The Reality

One of the things I've really struggled with, for the last 15 weeks, is that this pregnancy doesn't feel real. I don't know it's due to a lack of symptoms (which I know I should be grateful for) or if it's because I was such a pessimist at the start, but I really can't believe I have a little human growing inside me. 

Don't get me wrong, I've really tried to connect with our little one. It has a nickname- which was Bird and turned into Sparrow- and we talk all the way home from work about our day. I am so excited and I've even ventured into Mama's and Papa's... but sometimes it just still doesn't feel real. 

I actually visited the Midwife Led Unit the Saturday after my 12 week scan and I think this is where the reality, and the magic, set in for me. I fell in love with the unit- it was definitely a feeling rather than something I can describe- and I'm desperate to have my baby there. While we were there, she asked if I wanted to listen to the heartbeat. My Mom and sister were with me too and, despite warning us that it was still early and might be undetectable, the first whoop of the heartbeat had all three of us in tears. 

For me, the heartbeat felt so much more real than the scan. I know that little heart is growing in me and I felt completely overwhelmed. I remember going to my Mom's appointment and listening to my little brother's heartbeat 16 years ago and it just felt like everything had come back around.

People keep telling me to enjoy this pregnancy and that there really is nothing like it. My Mom told me I would get to know my body inside out and it's true- I keep trying to 'listen' to it for signs but I really am struggling to comprehend what is going on. I keep looking in the mirror to check for a bump, maybe when I can physically see it growing there it'll become real!